Attachment.

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Hi.

If you know me, you know, that I am attached mama. I am addicted to my kiddos. I still nurse my youngest and did my 1st boy until he was 15 months old. I baby-wore my 1st until my back felt like it was gonna snap in half, I carry my youngest whenever he stretches his arms to me- and that’s often. I bed-share. I try never to leave them out of my sight and whenever we are separated, for some reason- school, doctors visit, hairdresser etc., I am anxious. I hate to trust other person to mind them. For this reason, I have missed few weddings, parties, shopping trips, even tried to dye my own hair, so I do not have to leave my son for 2-3h. Some will say it’s not living, for me, it was better than knowing he is screaming for mama 2h non-stop, while I get my head (or nails) beautiful… Baby screamed for 2h  when I went to watch aerial dancing show with my mom, (my partner was minding him) the show was so beautiful, but if I knew, baby will cry so hard, I would have never went to the show. For those who wonder why I did not take baby with me- I could not, the music was extremely loud. So I have left my youngest son only few times. Very first time our oldest boy spent night without us, was, when he was 4, and we attended the wedding. At the time, he was our only child. We left him for a night with my mom, but  all kinds of scenarios kept popping up in my head throughout the evening- what if he cries at night and gran does not hear him? He could even get out of the bed and walk out of the house into the night… Into DANGER! What if he falls of the chair or if he opens drawers with meds, knives or scissors, what if the fire starts, does my mum even have fire alarm or fire extinguisher? What if she feeds him something nasty and he gets tummy ache? What if dog bites him, or he falls into the river? Is there river beside their house? I was wreck and no matter how much I enjoyed the wedding, I could not relax until we saw my son safely back following day. Strangest thing- he is not attached to me at all, he loves, being away from home. He was never clingy toddler, you know, the one who bursts into tears, when mama walks away from playschool, leaving him there…  My son just waved me off, and went to play with his friends, I could not believe it and I was happy about it, the last thing I wanted to see, was my boy suffer. Some well wishers warned me, that I will make mammie’s boy out of him, that he will hold onto my skirt and will be afraid of the “big world”, well- it did not happen! Looks like my son is not afraid of anything. Except- turning into Spider-Man, he does not want that to happen…

So on Wednesday, my son went to grans, to spend a night there, he is 6 now, big boy. I thought it will be nice for me and Dinny to spend time together as couple, the baby surely will sleep better without all the noise in the house caused by older two- Erika and Richard. Erika (my niece) went with him, so I knew my mum and Erika both will mind him, but boy, I was anxious again…  This never stops, doesn’t it? There will be teenage years, parties, girlfriends, driving, work, hobbies, travels abroad, extreme weather and every time I will be anxious waiting for him to come home- to me, his mama.

I try to nurture loving relationship between brothers, for future, when we, parents, are not around anymore, for boys to be best friends to each other, to support each other and to accept each other, no matter what. To have each others back, to be there, if needed. When big brother came home after being away, like forever (one night hahahaha ) the little one rushed to him to give him a hug. It was so sweet, it brought tear to my eye.

Quiet happiness is when you watch your kids creating loving bond for life.

Quiet happiness is love.

 

Toni.

 

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