Silent Miscarriage

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I did not know there is such a thing as silent miscarriage, until it happened to me. My first child was almost three, when we decided to try for second baby. I think it was month later that I felt tired and fatigue, I knew I was pregnant, as I felt exactly the same with my first.  After pregnancy test confirmed my suspicions, I went to my doctor, who congratulated me on 6 weeks pregnancy. On the same evening, after slight abdominal pain, bleeding started. I was confused and at first even thought, that it is just, more heavy than usual, period, and that test was wrong, and that my doctor was wrong too. But I did not fool myself, in October 2014 I lost my baby. I did not understand any of what was happening to me, I did not go to consult my doctor (I notified his office over the phone). I did not search for any information at all. In my mind- miscarriage was something extremely painful, involving hospitals, medication, emotional support… And I was at home, with very little pain, I actually do not remember if I cried at all… Now I do understand, that I was in shock, but at the time, all I could think of was,  that It was over, as if almost it has never happened at all…

I moved on- I had my toddler to look after, to keep house clean, to cook…

In early spring I was pregnant again. I done test and it was positive, but I decided not to go to see doctor. I was wondering if the baby I lost, came back to me, after all the soul is immortal…

It was not to be. I lost this baby too.

This time was different. I was experiencing mild headache, which escalated during the night. In the morning I woke up feeling as if glass has shattered into my brain and every movement hurt, I was barely able to speak or to think, I do not remember if I took Panadol, but I think I did, because pain was truly intolerable. I cried and after drinking some lemon water I got violently sick, which somehow reduced headache. At that point we were planning to go to doctor. And then it happened… I could feel, baby detach and spiral down my body, I was begging in my mind- no, no, no, but I knew…

It was all over once again. The strangest thing was, while I was dying from broken heart, my body felt relief. I no longer felt pain, the headache totally disappeared. I remember clear understanding, as I voiced it to my confused partner- “My body knows what its doing.”  That day my life changed.

This time I grieved, but I also started the quest for truth. I wanted to understand, to know the reason, why it happened to me. My first explanation, that I am bad person, and God does not want me to have more children, was overturned by my best friend Lisa, she really guided me away from that dark path. I also made clear decision not to live in the past with the memories or imaginations about this baby, I do not know why, but I was feeling, that I have to let the soul of my baby go, wherever it was going, without slowing down its passage with my cries of grief and regrets, and what-ifs. So I started my research and concentrated my energy on my family and on the search of truth. I also read a lot, whatever crisis I have in life, book has always been my escapism.

I learned how synthetic vitamins, processed foods, fluoride in our water, different chemicals, used in our everyday lives and sprayed from the sky, hormonal contraception , widely used weed-killers, wifi radiation, affect our body. How our system shuts down, and we become unable to thrive, and do ordinary tasks- from falling asleep with ease to growing healthy baby inside our bodies (see, I do not believe the doctors prediction, that 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage, it does not feel right, maybe it does happen, but I refuse to accept it as norm.). Human body is designed by nature to destroy any illness, but when it looses all defence mechanisms, and allows illness to destroy body- this is not a norm, this is anomaly. My eyes opened up to darker side of this world, and how we all are under attack, from the untouchable elite.

I changed my lifestyle in some little ways, introducing detox baths, organic foods whenever possible, clean vitamins, reduced chemical use. I stopped using tap water for cooking and tea, because I learned, that fluoride, will still stay in water, after it’s been boiled, and, being neuro-toxin, its very harmful to unborn child.

At some point I remember coming across page, where women discussed Depo contraception injection, after which many of them had difficulty to conceive, some of them never succeeding in carrying another pregnancy to full term. One lady sharing her story, how 7 years later she is still trying… I remember sitting in the living room, crying my eyes out, how, because of two injections my doctor administered, I will never have another child again. (little did I know, that I was about to conceive that month!)

I do not know, if little things make big difference, but next pregnancy was flawless and I had my Rainbow Baby – absolutely beautiful, healthy and calm.

I think I must also add for those who believe in magic, that 2 months before conceiving this baby, I made a wish at the Faery tree and the Holy Well in Aherlow , if you read my engagement story, I said that my wish came true- I wished for the baby.

So either it was magic or nature my wish came true.

Remember that if you know someone, who suffered loss, be gentle and non-invasive. Everyone is different and our coping mechanisms vary, some will need  loving, understanding company, to talk about it, to cry in the safe circle of your arms, some will want to be left alone. Accept that. For me, it was easier to direct my energy elsewhere, other person will want goodbye ceremony of some kind, even if its only candle and prayer, because with silent miscarriage, there is no body, no grave, no funeral. No proof. (unless there is ultrasound scan). It is, as if the baby never existed. Mirage. Dream.

But all too real for the mother.

And if you are that mother, I am sending you my love.

 

I love to think that it is the same soul, who, after two unsuccessful attempts, finally found its way back to me. And we have been joyfully reunited.

Thank you for reading my story.

Toni.

 

 

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